Last month, my mom had a heart attack.  I’ve often repeated the axiom that first God whispers in your ear, then he taps you on the shoulder, then he hits you with a brick; don’t wait for a brick.  Well, for my mom this was a brick and for me it was a hard tap on the shoulder.  Time to get my act together.

I’m the type who will take care of everyone before I’ll take care of myself.  I don’t really think about pampering myself, I don’t enjoy being the center of anyone’s attention, and I often eat my feelings.  But I think it’s time to once again try to focus on me first.  I put work ahead of me too, and throw myself into it with all my focus, time and attention.  This is good and bad – I really love my job and the people I work with, so I feel lucky.  But as much as the people there love me back, it’s not exactly the most lasting or fulfilling relationship I’ll ever have.

Sooo, I have a lot of work to do.  My last stab at weight loss was mixed results but since I’ve neglected that part of my life, all my progress has been erased.  I’m not afraid of hard work, I’m just not good at doing it for myself.  I guess in the moments where I think “why do I bother??” I can think about a few things:  I can’t really help people if I’m not around, I can’t be the best me if I’m not healthy, and I’d like to be able to keep up with my nephews when I see them.

So, once again, face lift for the site, maybe a bit more candid and stream of consciousness posts, and most importantly (most scar of all), back to work on shaking this fat suit and putting myself out there again.

I look at my weight watchers books that I’ve read soo many times and I see, again, how many fruits and veggies I get.  I also got this new wonderful cookbook from my favorite sister in law which talks about different veggies, how to make them, and what the benefits are of eating these new pureed veggies. So here I am … I’m going to eat plain spinach.   I know its good for me, but it doesnt taste that well.  I eat it anyway….. and I gag but I continue eating because its supposed to be good for me.  That my frineds is an eating disorder.  So today.. I admit it and I own it….. Its the only thing I own. LOL.

This will be beneficial in the long run… I know it will.   Own up to your problems. Once you let it out and admit it, it is a huge weight (literally) off your shoulders.

As I sit debating with myself, it’s like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  The devil says, “You don’t have time, just get the burger you want.  A burger, with cheese and mayo and lots of fries, maybe a nice giant Coke full of sugary goodness and caffeine.  Mmmmmmcaffeine.”  The angel is arguing calmly, “You know what you should do.  Stick to your diet; you know what’s good for you.”  But then two other voices chime in as well.  It’s quite crowded in my head.

There’s that critical voice, the one that’s so pessimistic, so mean.  “You know you’re not going to stick with this, just like all the other times.  Why don’t you just give it up, go get the big greasy burger and get it over with.  Then you can just quit and we can have ice cream later to celebrate.  What made you think you could do this anyway?  You’re too weak to succeed and you don’t deserve to anyway.”

Then the voice of reason.  The voice that got me started on this to begin with.  “If it’s that big of a deal and you really think you need it, get the burger then get back on track.  But just decide and move on.  It’s just a burger.  You know you can live without it, and you know in the long run you’ll be happy you didn’t have it, but seriously just decide.  You can get the burger and keep within your points, you can go over your points and start again tomorrow, or you can let the burger derail all your effort.  Or better yet, you can just skip it and celebrate your restraint.  But if you do get the burger, don’t beat yourself up, don’t let it stop you, and just make a better choice next time.  Better yet, if you get the burger do it without the cheese and the mayo.  Make it a kid-sized burger and celebrate that choice.  Whatever you do just do it because your stomach is getting really cranky.”

No burger, coupled with a good for you! from the angel and the voice of reason was what I had for lunch that Wednesday.  Good for me making better choices; good for me not listening to that critical voice in my head.  I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.  Or something–ok that crack may have come from the critical voice; it tends to be slightly sarcastic.  I’m not sure if this really falls under inspiration or delirious ranting, but either way here it is for your consideration.  I’ll just be here enjoying every bite of my lovely grilled chicken sandwich.

This time around, we’ll focus on the personal stuff, cool recipes, low point junk food (helloooo, I love the junk food it’ll stick around!) and I guess whatever else is on our minds.

So, hopefully you’ll learn something and get some inspiration, but you should at least be somewhat entertained by our struggles as we head down the weight loss path again!